My brother left a final message before his death.
He died by suicide through self-harm.
Please don't critique it.

You wake up at 7 a.m., drink cold coffee, and look at the stain on the desk. You sit on the edge of the bed for twenty minutes, and you forget what you were supposed to stand up for. Your phone screen turns off. You look at your face in the black glass, and it takes three seconds to realize that's your nose, that's your mouth. You move your fingers. Left thumb. Right index. It works, but there's no reason for it to work.

Yesterday, my mom asked me what I wanted for dinner, and I said, "Anything." My voice sounded flat, like when a speaker is muffled.

I tried to remember my 10th birthday. I remember the cake. Red. Too much icing. I remember the kitchen. I remember exactly where everyone was standing. I just don't remember being there.

There's no one in my head right now. My hands are typing this, and I'm just watching them.

I tried to push inside. I tried to make myself angry. I thought about things that should make me angry. Nothing happened. I tried fear next. Nothing. I even laughed once, just to see if it felt wrong. It didn't.

Just the noise of the fridge humming. My shirt feels heavy on my shoulders.

I'm not in here. im not im not in the room. The light outside is grey. People walk past the window. im not here.

we arent real

My hands are cold.

im not real im not real i cant find it

we arent real

stop stop looking why are you looking why are you still looking WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

WHY ARE YOU STILL LOOKING?

we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent
we arent we arent real we arent
you arent real we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent
we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent real we arent
we arent realwe arent realwe arent realwe arent real we arent realwe arent realwe arent realwe arent real
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You're not real. You're still reading. And i don't know why.

My phone is at 3%. I should get up. I don't remember why.

Im sorry for what i am about to do.


Julian rest in peace.